So, when we first started this blog, I was excited to fill a gap we had found. I was excited to share our experience and help others learn from us. As we went further along in the process, and things started to be more real, things became scarier and sharing everything seemed less and less like a great idea. It felt like a lot to have real-time updates because what if things didn’t go well? What if complications made things too hard to handle in a “public” light?
It was for these reasons that Jess and I agreed to put a delay on our sharing time line. We wouldn’t share any less, but rather allow ourselves time to process everything and then share retroactively. So, we took our Hiatus and thankfully, everything went smoothly. What I have come to learn though, is that I am now and forever more in a constant state of worry. This little guy consumes my every anxiety. It’s the part of becoming a mom that I had the biggest trouble with.
The world that we are currently living in isn’t a pretty one, most of the time. It takes extra effort and a lot of deliberate social media and news avoidance to be positive and optimistic. Every other day I felt like it was the most selfish and irresponsible thing to bring a kid into this world not knowing how I was going to possibly protect him every single second of his life. How was I going to keep him from being bullied or discriminated against or caught up in a school shooting? How was I going to be ok allowing him to be out of my sight and protection 24/7?
Honestly, I still don’t have the answers. I’m not sure anyone does. But ultimately, we decided that the one of the best things we can do to help this ugly world be better is to create the most awesome human being to be part of the greater change. I really wanted a boy, for this specific reason, because the world needs more good men. This little guy, who has two Hispanic mommies, will absolutely know what it’s like to be a minority and the struggles women go through and he will be the better for it. Even though I know he will be his own person, I am determined to do everything I can to help shape him into a respectful, loving, giving, understanding and compassionate man.
I have a feeling that this change in our lives will clearly define our voices in this blog. Jessica is clearly the lighter and more positive of us. Maybe it’s the hormones, but I carry the harder and more worried tone… which is also probably why you’ll hear more from Jess, but I know both perspectives are important to Oliver’s whole story.
When we decided to move forward with this, it was right before we went on our European trip this summer. I had done the math and if we had done our first try on the cycle before the trip, we would be able to find out if it worked while we were in Italy. If it worked, what a cool memory to have! I dreamt up the stories we’d tell and the scenery behind it… we’d be in Florence at Piazza Michelangelo, at sunset. If we found out it didn’t work, well then we were in Italy and we’d try again when we got home.
As things usually go for me before a big trip, the stress from the planning throws off my cycle and that plan didn’t pan out. While we were on the trip, that same stress did weird things to my body that worried me. Excuse the TMI, but there was a lot of irregular bleeding and I was positive that I wasn’t going to be able to conceive. As soon as we got back I went to the doctor who assured me that everything was ok, but we would monitor it through the next cycle. A few weeks later, that cycle came, we began testing and monitoring and everything seemed ok, so our doctor suggested that we begin trying. I wasn’t convinced that this was the best idea or that I was out of the woods, but we trusted her, and I’m so grateful we did.
The two-week wait was grueling and the rest, well was just as Jessica described it. I stayed in a state of denial for quite some time. In fact, I don’t think I’m 100% not still there. I have come to understand this is my defense mechanism. So many people who I’ve been close to have experienced difficulties in their pregnancies, miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies… it all just looms over me and I am afraid to get attached to the idea of him because what if this still doesn’t work. Cue anxiety cycle all over again.
So, I work hard to stay cautiously optimistic. Finding out the gender was something that Jess initially wanted to wait on. She wanted to be surprised. I’m glad she came around because I think that it helped make him more real. That same night we went shopping and got the cutest little outfits with suspenders and bow ties, the cutest little dinosaur sleeper and OMG you should see this little elephant bathrobe he has! Naming him put it over the top because I am SO IN LOVE with him. To top it all, our little man celebrated his 18th week by letting us feel both feel him. It’s the strangest, most wonderful feeling. I just can’t get enough!
This Jess’ family’s 9th grandkid and my family’s first! So, you can imagine, everyone is excited and anxious to meet him. This kid is already SO loved and spoiled, we couldn’t be any luckier. He’s already very much a part of our family and lives and I’m just so grateful for all the love and support we have. We are clueless about raising a boy and the nuances that come with it but are ready for the ride. Thanks for sticking through this with us. Hopefully we can get this back on a regular schedule.
Till next time,